Monday, December 17, 2012

Dear Candy the Elf

Dear Candy the Elf,

Please accept this letter as formal documentation of our complaints regarding your service as an elf on a shelf.

Given the hype surrounding your brand, when we entered into this partnership and welcomed you into our home, we did so with high hopes.

Your references were impeccable.

Friends and friends of friends shared adorable pictures of their elves' antics.

Your manager promised that children, young and old, would be on their best behavior because of your close relationship with Santa.

Unfortunately, your actual on-the-job performance has created some issues we feel need to be addressed.

First of all, although you are an elf on a shelf, we didn't think you would take the shelf part so literally. We expected some healthy mischief, like finding you popping out of the cereal box, zip lining out of the two-story window, or perching on top of the Christmas tree with a mug of hot chocolate.

Instead, your charm and creativity have been underwhelming and your apathy and lack of physical prowess disappointing.

We are fully aware that we broke a cardinal rule of elf ownership last night when Marty, in desperation, moved you in plain sight of three adults and one eight year old. We know that human touch can void your magical powers; however, Marty's drastic movement was in direct reaction to the fact that you hadn't moved in four days. He feared you were dead. Luckily, you were alive and no children's imaginations were harmed during this incident. However, unless drastic changes are implemented in the operating plan, a tragedy is inevitable.

Because we are not the kind of people to engage in unfair dismissal practices, we have been careful to document our concerns. We are submitting several pieces of evidence for review.
Exhibit A: Your starting location
Duration: 5 days

Exhibit B: Another not-too-stealthy resting spot
Duration: 3 days

Exhibit C: Relocation spot which Marty so kindly "helped" you choose
Duration: 3 days

Exhibit D: Cozy stocking that apparently was a little too cozy
Duration: 5 days

Exhibit E: Stuck behind the picture pretending to be a wallflower
Duration: 4 days

It appears you have a thing for heights, and we certainly understand that height keeps you out of the grasp of curious twins. However, just sitting up high does little to generate enthusiasm and wonder.

Upon seeing you finally made from the stocking to the picture, Emily and Andrew both exclaimed, "You [mommy and daddy] moved Candy!"

For our part, we will review the Elf on the Shelf story, paying particular attention to page 12; however, we can't help but feel that if you were a little more creative, the kids might be a little more believing.

After all, if you have a hard time moving from one place to the other, how can we expect them to believe you really fly to the North Pole every night?

We want to love you Candy, we really do, and to show our commitment to you, we assembled some role models, some elf tutors, if you will.

Do you know Zadigan Kelf? He's an elf living with a sweet family in Texas. He is an active elf who likes the Aggies, reading, and even parachuting.
Surely, you can use your elf-manufactured i-pad to check out more of Zadigan Kelf's antics HERE.

We also realize that being an elf for twins presents a double challenge. Therefore, if you can't handle the work alone, we're not opposed to the idea of hiring a second elf to assist you with your responsibilities. It seems to work well for this twin family who employ two talented elves, Tangled and Guy.
Image Credit

I'm sure you're going to want to talk this over with the big man himself, your boss, Santa.

At the risk of making the naughty list, might we ask a favor? While you have Santa's attention, please let him know that we also have some concerns about his current workshop practices.

With the world's population hovering around 7 billion, we realize the workshop is beyond capacity. We understand the need for holding some of the elves' completed creations in our bonus room and garage until Santa pops in the wee of hours of December 25 to lovingly place them under the tree.

Is it too much to ask, though, that he not parade the fact in front of the children? There's Santa's special wrapping paper in the floor, a train set left in plain sight in the garage, and an unassembled train table that is going to cause some serious strife around here in the late hours of December 24.

While we realize Emily and Andrew are just a little too young to notice this year, we want to put Santa on notice--he needs to tighten up his operation before next year.

We are willing to discuss these and all concerns at your earliest convenience. To do so will mean, however, that you must climb down from the pendant light where you currently seem to be impersonating a--um, how do I say this politely--a pole-dancing elf.

If you are so moved, you can find either one of us in our executive offices, aka the recliners, between the hours of 7:00 pm and 10:30 pm.


Special thanks to The Baker Twins and (not) Just Another Mom of Twins for their permission to use their elves in the shaming of ours.


Tami said...

HAHAHAHA!!!! Love it!!!!
I personally think the 'elf' guy is a bit creepy.
Keep 'em in his place Melissa!!! You go girl!

Johanna at The Baker Twins said...

You are too funny, little friend. Don't be too hard on him. Ours didn't even show up until the girls were three, so you are ahead of us. And, it helps that 'Zadigan' is SUPER into Christmas (and is a stay-at-home-elf) - I'm sure he has more free time than Candy. ;)

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

You are cracking me up, Sister! I'm glad you put that slacker on notice!

Just Another Mom of Twins said...

OMGosh! I was in stitches reading this,,,you are F-U-N-N-Y!!!!!


For the record...Tangled & Guy are keeners looking for some special "reward" from Santa this year...sparkly & expensive to be exact...LMAO!!

Merry Christmas! xo

Rory Bore said...

LOL...I need to pee! back in a sec..

...this is hilarious AND exactly whey I choose not to employ and elf. I find my system of instilling fear of ME in my children much more effective. LOL

Although, I can perhaps help your elf out. toilet bowl + goldfish crackers + one fishing pole toting Elf. hilarious fun right there.

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