As April started, I looked forward to the spring with anticipation—with hope.
While the March winds had blown in darker clouds, I hoped for lighter, brighter spring days.
Ironically, I had no idea that April would bring, not showers, but a torrential downpour--of anxiety.
All my life I have been a worry wart. I am the classic “what-if”/worse-case scenario/over-thinker.
That said, something happened right before I got pregnant that morphed my garden-variety worry into full-blown anxiety.
Maybe it was the infertility. Then my surgery. Or one of my closest friends being diagnosed with cancer. Then the hormone roller coaster of fertility drugs. Or the rush of pregnancy hormones. Then the exhilaration of my biggest dream coming true and the sense of complete powerlessness to control all the contingencies of a “high-risk” twin pregnancy. Or...
Whatever happened, it was the perfect storm.
And, for the last couple of years, I have fought back the storm with varying degrees of success.
If you’ve never experienced anxiety, I know it might be easy to dismiss the condition as just a case of pesky worry. Until I lived through it, I didn’t realize just how incapacitating it can be.
What is it like?
It is irrational fear that I can’t shake.
It is a boulder on my chest that I can’t move.
It is a cold, prickly sweat that I can’t wipe away.
It is physical pain that can’t be explained.
It is a thief that robs me of the very moments I am so afraid of losing.
It is a hopelessness that I just want to sleep away.
I have tried all the remedies you might expect: prayer, therapy, medicine, exercise, diet, writing, wine…
At times, the storm has quieted. I feel like my old self-- when worries would come and worries would go.
But April was not one of those times.
April was a month of battening down the hatches and settling in for the storm.
So April showers brought May flowers, right?
It brought me closer to family.
As the anxiety subsided, I found myself enjoying the calm after the storm.
I found myself being less withdrawn and more engaged. Mentally, I was able to be present in a way that I hadn’t been in quite some time.
And, what a beautiful time it has been!
Emily and Drew are blossoming into these super-smart, super-entertaining little people.
Every day is something new.
We’ve picked strawberries, posed for our family pictures, danced in a recital, visited the zoo, played at the park, scheduled our ear tube surgery, planned a second birthday party, learned new words and games…
While the blog posts don’t show it, I assure you--MaMe was busy creating memories.
To celebrate this month’s focus on family, I am recommitting myself to blogging for the remainder of the month. (I know. I know. It’s all of about 9 days!)
My goal is to reconnect to the most important part of my life, my family, while also reconnecting to the most important goal of this blog: documenting the story of our lives.
Enjoy the flowers after the rain.