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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

This isn't for you

Tomorrow I will have a D&C

To clinically remove my baby,

Who, unbeknownst to me, died sometime last week, while the rest of the world went on around us.

Apparently, my body can’t even miscarry on its own.

The fact that I would have a missed miscarriage shouldn’t shock me. I’ve spent the better part of my life reproductively challenged, infertile. Hell, it took surgery and thousands of dollars in drugs to get me pregnant the first time. And, believe me, I knew a gift from God when I got it—

Two perfect, perfect, perfect babies whom I love more than my life, who have given me my life’s purpose, who have made every tear I have every cried worth it, who completed me in ways I never thought possible, who make me a better person every day.

As much as I joked and secretly daydreamed of a third, I was okay. We were okay. Better than okay, perfect.

Then right before Christmas, I dreamed I was pregnant. Two days later, wide awake, we received what we believed was our Christmas miracle: a clearly positive pregnancy test without the help of any doctors.

Surely, this was our meant-to-be baby.

We excitedly and nervously told our close family and friends—the same people I thought I’d tell in the unlikely event that the unspeakable happened (because we naively thought at the time that they would be able to console us if I ever found myself sitting where I am right now. Stupid me. Nobody’s words can console me).

Instead, I just need somebody, anybody, everybody to hear my pain…

to tell me it’s okay to be mad at God- the same loving God who gave me Emily and Drew.

For four and a half weeks now, I have been pregnant with the idea of another baby—a brother or sister for Emily and Drew (although in my dreams there was no doubt it was a boy--another sweet blonde baby boy).

I thought of all the things that a newly pregnant woman thinks of—

How will we afford daycare for 3?

Will we need a bigger car?

Will I be able to have a VBAC?

Will the baby look like Emily or Andrew?

Wonder if it’s okay if I have this cup of half-caf?

Will I finally get to breastfeed?

Why did I give away all of my baby stuff?

What if there are two?

What if I miscarry?


You’d think that pondering that last question would have prepared me for today(It didn’t). You see, as someone who has fought anxiety and chronic worry her entire life, I have developed a pretty strong coping mechanism—playing the "what-if" game and working through worst case scenarios. And, if you peek far enough into the dark recesses of my mind, you’d see that I somehow thought worrying could keep the bad stuff away.

Well, God, you proved your point—my worrying doesn’t do shit.

Now the what-ifs have changed.

What if my miscarriage was the result of something else (despite the doctor’s assurances that "it was nothing we did”…blah, blah, blah)?

Did I drink too much coffee?

Did I walk too fast that day in the pouring rain?

Did I jinx myself by telling a few people? By accepting those maternity clothes yesterday? By contemplating names? By allowing myself to be happy?

Did my advanced maternal age contribute to the likely “chromosomal abnormalities”?

Did I not pray enough?

Did I get too greedy thinking that I was really meant to have another miracle?


Maybe time will give me other emotion but right now I am…

Sad. Of course.

Heart-broken. Yes.

Confused. Obviously.

Angry. Definitely.

Damn right. I am angry.

And, this emotion surprises me most.

Angry that the switch has been flipped.

You see, before we saw those two lines over a month ago, I was content with what I had.

But once I knew there was a baby growing inside me, I wanted that baby with a fierceness that I hadn’t known since I found out I was pregnant with Emily and Drew.

As the shock faded, Marty and I both talked excitedly about the new baby.

And that excitement, that desire, that fierceness of love hasn’t died, even if the doctor says our baby has. (Oh, what it the doctor was wrong? Confusion. Delusion.)

And, tomorrow, when my womb is again empty, that love and wanting will remain.

And that angers me.

One of the cruelest parts of infertility is hearing people say it will happen when you quit trying.

Even the doctor said today something along the lines of healing, just going with life like we did before and we’d probably get pregnant again. Or something like that. Blah. Blah. Blah.

But, the switch has been flipped. There is no going on with life as before.

Whereas the light was once off on the real idea of a third baby, now there’s a spotlight on the prospect.

Telling someone who wants a baby to not try is like telling someone who wants to live not to breathe.

I wanted this baby.

And the fear of the want consuming me makes me

Angry.

Because I don’t want to get on the conception train again.

Waiting for period. Ovulation tests. Temping. Timed “intercourse.” Two week waits. Wasted pregnancy tests with only one line. Months ticking along. Disappointment. Fertility doctors. Vitamins. Acupuncture. Shots. Ultrasounds. Waiting. Fear. Hope. Disappointment. Failure. Anger. Repeat.

Angry.

Because I was okay not being pregnant.

Angry.

Because now I fear I won’t be able to give up the dream of a third.

Angry.

Because I have more than I ever deserved in Emily and Andrew but I can’t help but want more…

Because a baby was dangled in front of me and then snatched away...

Because wanting more when I have been blessed already makes me feel dirty with guilt.

ANGER.

Because I can’t make sense of the pain.

Because I can’t understand why.

Because I can’t sleep, drink, or wish this nightmare away.

So excuse me while I go for my fourth cup of fully-caffeinated coffee since learning my current caffeine intake doesn’t fucking matter. Excuse me while I alternate between screaming, crying, silence, writing,and spreading my personal tragedy out for the world to see in a pathetic attempt to make sense of the loss—the anger.

While I needed to get this out, get the pain in words, feel the collective support of those around me, I also need to disappear for a while.

Excuse me while I take some time away from the blog, Facebook, work, and my phone.

I am turning it all off (literally and figuratively) to surround myself with the only medication I need: my family in front me, the babies I do have.

I don’t need anything right now other than your love, your prayers, and your understanding.

While I cry out to God in anger, I also find myself begging him for healing, peace, strength, clarity, and acceptance.

Because, really, what else is there to do?

39 comments:

Your sister said...

I love you....that is all~

Tasha said...

You do just that.....I am hugging you many miles away, praying for you and feeling some of that pain.

Anonymous said...

Prayers for you. You've beautifully articulated here what many women, including myself, could not find the words for. For that I thank you.

Samantha said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

Samantha

Shannon @ Lifelong Impressions said...

I love you! You have my tears and my prayers.

You express yourself so well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and especially your feelings.

Those hopeful and happy moments from the positive to the devastating news are great memories to treasure. As hard as it is to accept the now there is purpose and growth with the bad in life. I truly believe you will meet this child after this life. Your rainbow baby is safe in heaven.

All day today {after our wonderful talk yesterday} I've been thinking of a 4th and what drama and work it would take to get a 4th into our family. My friends even brought up foster care adoption without knowing it was already on my mind. Weird.

And no! It is not one little tiny bit wrong to hope for and want more children.

Shell said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sending you lots of love and prayers.

And please know that it's perfectly okay to be angry at God. He knows how you are feeling anyway, so it's okay to be honest about it.

Go spend some time with your family. xo

OurLifeUnrehearsed said...

You are getting it all from me right now.. love, prayers and understanding. Hugs!!!

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

There are no words, I know...but I do want to let you know, while you may not quite feel it right now, you're being lifted up from so many people across the world.

Thinking of you, Melissa, my friend.

Heather B said...

Be angry...be downright pissed. Be with your family and do what You need to do.

Much love and prayers to you all.

Dvr Dame said...

I pray that you and your family can get through this rough time.

Johanna said...

Oh, sweet friend. I am SO sorry. I will pray for your healing and peace. I will be thinking of you. And I will be angry for and with you. My heart hurts for your loss.

RoryBore said...

Oh Melissa, I am so sorry for your loss. You know I am a firm believing Christian, and even I will say it with you....fuckity, fuck, WTF? God, really?

It's okay to want the desires of your heart - -this is no punishment from above, or from anything you have, or have not done. Life is just a brutal bitch sometimes. The good suffer, the bad prosper. Time and chance happens to us all.

It's ok to be angry, God can take it. Well, He already knows you are - so let it out. Feel everything you need to feel. Do whatever it is you need to do. And while you are doing that, know you will be in many thoughts, many prayers, and in our now broken hearts on your behalf.

Just come back to us....and Him, eventually. Okay? All the world is shrouded in darkness and pain right now, but there is much light and love waiting here for you.
*Hugs and prayers*

Kelly said...

To my sister's blogger friends~

Our family knows you...my sister shares your stories, your families joys and sorrow...often at family dinners or on shopping trips, your funny stories and craft ideas come up in daily conversation. When you hurt she shares your hurt with others and prays for you from afar. I know complete strangers life stories because of my sister...that is Melissa...she brings people together often putting herself aside.

She does the same thing for our family, she lifts us up...she brings us together...her love for life and people is breathtaking even on the days she is angry.

If you have ever had the joy and pleasure of meeting and knowing her, you would know that Melissa has a heart...well...the size of..you can't even imagine! When she loves, she loves and when she puts her mind to something...watch out...nothing is out of her reach. When she was told motherhood was..well let's just say, she proved them wrong thus we have Emily and Drew who so completed my sister.

My sister's or my bff as I call her only has had one dream as an adult..and that was to be a mother. And boy does she do it well...she works full-time, she blogs, she crafts and she goes above and beyond to be they type of person many could just aspire to be. God gave Emily and Drew a special gift when he chose Melissa to be their mama and I know in my heart that his gifts are eternal...and so does she...

Today I am heartbroken for our family...and my precious sister. I went to her house this afternoon to crawl in the bed with her and pull the covers up over our heads like we did when we were little and not so little (we shared a bed until she left for school)because as someone above said..sometimes life just isn't fair.

I just want all of to keep Melissa and Marty in your thoughts and prayers....her love and friendship with all of you have helped her through some of the darkest times she has faced. You will never know how much your words and positive thoughts mean to her.

Melissa~I love you more than anything....anything!

Austin said...

Kelly is absolutely right! I am one of Melissa's close friends and Melissa has a heart bigger than anyone I know. Melissa- please know I love you and I completely understand the anger you are feeling. Please know that I love you, Marty, Emily, Andrew and your entire family with all of my heart.

You and your family have been through some tough times with me and I'm so thankful to consider you my "family."
-Austin

Jackie said...

I just had a m/c this past December, and I too felt the same bits of anger, disappointment, etc...
It sucks, it really does. It's okay to just let that out, to let it be horrible and be unhappy and be sad and angry.
Each day it gets a little easier, I promise.
Hugs.

Michelle Hayes said...

I have literally known Melissa all my life and I'd like you to know, Melissa how this truly, deeply this pains my heart to hear. After talking with you, a few weeks back, I could tell how happy your babies had made you. And, I know how it is to be mad & angry at God for taking one of your babies away, especially when you know how hard it was for you get your baby. My heart and soul goes out to you and Marty and to y'alls family. Please, if there is anything, anything at all that I can do for y'all, do not and I'll say it again, do not hesitate, just let me know! I'm sending my hugs and love for you, Marty, Emily, Drew and the rest of the family.

Michelle A said...

As someone who has ridden the infertility train for years and years I can only imagine your shock and pain. The option of a third, while so easy for some is something so much more complicated for those of us who who endure drugs, tests, and evasive precedures. I am so sorry this gift was taken and snatched from you. The miracle of getting pregnant with no doctors involved seems so foreign. And the loss would be even greater because of the miracle. I am do sorry and sad for your loss. And I will pray for you and this pain you will now be carrying.

Kristy said...

I am so sorry to hear of the awful heartache you are experiencing. So sorry. Love and hugs to you.

jen@ living a full life said...

My heart aches for you right now Melissa I am so sorry about the loss of your precious baby.

Do whatever you feel is necessary because your feelings will guide you and heal your heart. Feel-whatever you feel, cry, scream ,be angry, ask why, rest and be with your loved ones. Take time to heal.

Grieve my friend, take as long as you need and know I care about you.

Amber said...

I can not imagine what you are going through right now. I am though sending you peace, love and a long distance hug. I pray that you may feel some peace.

Michele said...

Oh honey - I have no words. I will be thinking of you and Marty.

Kathy said...

Oh Melissa, I'm so deeply sorry. I walked this path myself and the pain was intolerable. I felt the same way about having a missed miscarriage, seeing the ultrasound with no heartbeat having to have the D & C and just feeling empty. I didn't want to talk to anyone. All I could do was cry and I felt so many of the same things you did. And if one more person told me a story of a couple that had tried and tried and a had miscarriages and now were pregnant I think I would have screamed at them. I thought of the maternity clothes I let my friend give me, the happiness I let myself feel, the clam I ate that I feared was the cause, if only I did this, or that. I now know that the only way to get past this is to go through it and feel or not feel whatever you need to. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. If you ever need to reach me I'm at kathyradigan@hotmail.com Much love to you!!!

Julia said...

Oh Melissa. There are no words. Nothing anyone can say to make this any better.

While this may sound trite (I don't mean for it to), I am holding you up in my prayers.

Why does God let this happen? Let us feel pain? Let us hurt? Give us false hope?

I don't know. May we cry out to Him with all our grief, in loud moans when they are no words. And when we have words---fucking don't hold back!

I do know this: we belong to each other. You belong to me, and I to you. We share this world, this air----twins, mama-ing, loving, struggling---my heart aches for you, Melissa, because you belong to me.

While I can't pretend, for even a second, to know what you're going through, I know this: we share life together, you and I, and all these amazing mamas we've grown to love through this world wide blogosphere. We love you, we are lifting you up. Loving you from all over the place.

Sometimes life fucking sucks. I'm so sorry that it sucks for you right now, and you're hurting--that you're grieving.

Dammit, dammit, dammit! Why?!!

Lifting you up from over here in St. Louis.

Jennifer said...

I am so utterly sorry for your loss. I know words don't really help in situations like these, but I'll be praying for you and your family and your strength. So sorry.

christina said...

oh my heart aches for you right now. i'm so so so so so sooooo incredibly sorry for your loss. this will not help right now but i was in your shoes exactly (minus the twins) four years ago. and the pain endured after finding out my baby was gone and having to have her surigically removed was a pain i would wish on no one. i'm so sorry.

Just Another Mom of Twins said...

You have my love, my prayers and my understanding my friend.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Tami said...

I lost a baby too. It's a horrible thing to happen and I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Anne said...

I am very sorry to hear about your loss! You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
~Anne

Always Heather said...

My words on here are not meant to console you; Sometimes words are just not enough, and I get that. I wanted however to know that I feel for you, and I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a loss not only of a baby; but an idea and a dream. I'm sad to hear your heartbreak and your anger. I hope that you take some time over the next few days to just be angry. Sometimes we just need to do that.

Shannon said...

I am so very, very sorry.

Beth said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could do or say anything to help, but I am sending you hugs and lots of love from Kentucky. I am also praying for you and Marty.
Again, I am so sorry.

Olusola said...

I share your tears my friend and will lift you up in my prayers.

Miss Megan said...

Oh Melissa, I am SO sorry. I know there is absolutely nothing anyone can say...
Please know we are here for you, thinking of you and your family, and saying many prayers for you. This is not an easy time and it is absolutely understandable for you to be angry, hurt, dismayed, pissed...
Take all the time you need. We will be here when you come back.

The Pepperrific Life said...

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened- really.

Thanks for being strong enough to express your anger. You have every right to feel the way you do.

Take care...

Susan Evans said...

I cried as I read this... I'm praying for you. I've screamed in God's direction before, and after the rage at God subsided, I was closer to God than ever before. Just know that this doesn't have to alienate you from God.

Jill and Mike said...

You're a follower of my blog and I had a few moments to click on your blog this morning....
I'm so sorry for your loss - infertility and miscarriages just plain suck.
Sending you lots of hugs and will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Kim said...

So sorry for what you are going through. You should be angry! You should be feeling whatever you are feeling, and know that it's OK to. Though I don't know you well, but as a fellow mom to twins, I know you are a strong person and you will come through this OK. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Kim
My Twintastic Life

Robin said...

So sorry for your loss.

Cathy said...

Oh no, I completely missed this one. I'm so sorry. So very sorry. Big virtual hugs to you and your family.

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