As I have already explained, I don’t make resolutions (anymore).
I confess: it wasn't always this way; I used to make resolutions.
I confess: I stopped after finally conquering the one resolution that plagued me for almost 15 years.
Here’s a confession that may come as a surprise to many of you.
I confess: I was once a smoker.
I confess: when I was growing up, I hated smoking. I would literally beg my dad to quit.
I confess: for some reason, at age 19, I decided to smoke a cigarette for the first time.
I confess: For far too many years, quitting smoking was my perennial New Year’s Resolution.
I confess: I tried all kinds of ways to quit: cold turkey, Chantix, the patch, cutting back, avoiding triggers like wine and coffee, chewing gum, eating carrots.
I confess: some years, I would quit for an entire year or more. Other years, I’d make it a week or a month.
I confess: I was a closet smoker. So much so that my now-husband had no idea I smoked on a regular basis. He thought I only smoked when I drank.
I confess: I hid the fact that I smoked because I didn’t want people to be disappointed in me.
I confess: even making this confession makes me embarrassed.
I confess: if I smoked around you then you either were (1) a fellow smoker (2) around me when I was drunk or (3) around me when I was going through a nervous breakdown.
I confess: I don’t judge people who smoke because I understand.
I confess: Now that I am not a smoker, I hate the smell.
I confess: Now that I am not a smoker, I could sometimes smoke a cigarette as big as my arm.
I confess: I finally quit smoking for good when I decided I wanted something way more than I could ever want a cigarette—I wanted a baby.
I confess: I haven’t picked up another cigarette since I quit last because (1) I remember how yucky that first cigarette tastes (2) I know how hard it is to have just one. (3) I don’t have time to sneak around to smoke (4) I can’t imagine exposing my babies to even third-hand smoke (5) I want to live to see my babies have babies.
I confess: I don’t know how I will handle the “don’t smoke” conversation with Emily and Drew.
I confess: I don’t know if I want them to know I was once a smoker.
I confess: I pray Emily and Drew never have to resolve to quit smoking.