Friday, January 6, 2012

The resolution that ended all resolutions: A Friday Confessional

As I have already explained, I don’t make resolutions (anymore).

I confess: it wasn't always this way; I used to make resolutions.

I confess:
I stopped after finally conquering the one resolution that plagued me for almost 15 years.

Here’s a confession that may come as a surprise to many of you.

I confess: I was once a smoker.

I confess: when I was growing up, I hated smoking. I would literally beg my dad to quit.

I confess: for some reason, at age 19, I decided to smoke a cigarette for the first time.

I confess: For far too many years, quitting smoking was my perennial New Year’s Resolution.

I confess: I tried all kinds of ways to quit: cold turkey, Chantix, the patch, cutting back, avoiding triggers like wine and coffee, chewing gum, eating carrots.

I confess: some years, I would quit for an entire year or more. Other years, I’d make it a week or a month.

I confess: I was a closet smoker. So much so that my now-husband had no idea I smoked on a regular basis. He thought I only smoked when I drank.

I confess: I hid the fact that I smoked because I didn’t want people to be disappointed in me.

I confess: even making this confession makes me embarrassed.

I confess: if I smoked around you then you either were (1) a fellow smoker (2) around me when I was drunk or (3) around me when I was going through a nervous breakdown.

I confess: I don’t judge people who smoke because I understand.

I confess: Now that I am not a smoker, I hate the smell.

I confess: Now that I am not a smoker, I could sometimes smoke a cigarette as big as my arm.

I confess: I finally quit smoking for good when I decided I wanted something way more than I could ever want a cigarette—I wanted a baby.

I confess: I haven’t picked up another cigarette since I quit last because (1) I remember how yucky that first cigarette tastes (2) I know how hard it is to have just one. (3) I don’t have time to sneak around to smoke (4) I can’t imagine exposing my babies to even third-hand smoke (5) I want to live to see my babies have babies.

I confess: I don’t know how I will handle the “don’t smoke” conversation with Emily and Drew.

I confess: I don’t know if I want them to know I was once a smoker.

I confess: I pray Emily and Drew never have to resolve to quit smoking.


Julia said...

Melissa, your transparency and your honesty inspires me. Really it does.

I've heard that smoking is a really tough addiction to overcome, so kudos to you for making it happen.

I don't think there's anything wrong with tell your kids---"Hey, I did this thing, and I'm here to tell you, please don't! It's a bad choice. It will hurt you, will hurt others, and I won't like the way you smell. ;)

There are lots of things I've done, that I'll have to talk to my girls about. I have no problem saying---bad idea!! Please don't be like me, I don't want you to feel my pain.

Dvr Dame said...

Good for you to kick the habit. I was very lucky that I never got addicted to smoking. I hope my kids don't ever pick up a cigarette too.

Samantha said...

Congrats on quitting!

KERRY said...

Good for you!!! Stay strong, do it for them. No going back :)

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

You're not modeling the smoking behavior so hopefully they won't really consider doing it. They may take a puff just to try it because so many of us do, but odds are that they won't pick up the habit. Bravo to you for quitting!

christina said...

i, too, was once a smoker. started very young- 11! i would sneak cigarettes from my parents. i quit in my 20s a couple times- once for several years. then i started again in my 30s when my grandfather died. finally i quit after i got married in 2007 for good. after having Lovie, something in me REALLY WANTED to smoke though. i mean it was bad, this hankering. but i never gave in cuz i just couldn't do it. for her, for me, for our bank account.

jen@ living a full life said...

You go girl! If the kiddies aren't around smokers they most likely will never start. We used to tell our kids it was yucky!

I admit I tried it once or twice, it made me sick, turns out I'm allergic to tobacco!

It's a way to expensive habit both for the price of the cigs themselves and the health costs due to illness in the future, so you continue to stay strong for those babies!

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

Congratulations to you, Melissa! I lost all three of the women closest to me - my mom and both grandmothers - to smoking-related causes. I'm so thankful you made the choice to quit for you...and for your precious babies.

When the time is right, maybe it's best to be honest with them. Not when they're 8, but maybe 16 (I don't know) let them know that even "good" people sometimes make bad caution them to think about what they're doing.

Here's to a healthy 2012! And you know I hope you keep these confessions coming. They're good for your soul, I know...and for your friends', as it helps us all know we're not alone in the "crazy"! :)

Johanna said...

I'm so glad you quit! What a big accomplishment. I think Drew and Em would be so proud to know that you quit (and stayed a non-smoker) for them. And you'll probably be better at the 'don't smoke' talk because of your experiences. I never touched a cigarette because my dad was a smoker and I've seen how he struggled with it. I think that is far more powerful than hearing it from someone who was never a smoker.

OurLifeUnrehearsed said...

Love the honesty in this post. My grandparents were smokers since their 20's and after my grandfather had a stroke in his 60's he finally quit smoking. Even after him passing away my grandmother still smokes today and is a registered nurse and knows about all the health problems. I could never touch a cigarette after seeing how my grandparents struggled with stopping and the smell is horrendous. There were times my grandfather would smoke while wearing the patches. Good for you for stopping and hope you continue to be strong as I can only imagine the everyday struggle you face. :)

Miss Megan said...

Right there with you chica. I was a (closet) smoker too. The day I turned 18 I bought a pack of Marlboro's and didn't stop for nearly 10 years. Neither of my parents of our neighbors smoked and my grandpa who we rarely saw smoked. Otherwise I didn't have any exposure and I have no idea why I started (probably because "I could" and there was nothing my parents could do to stop me).
The ONLY reason I stopped was because I wanted to have a baby, we couldn't get pregnant, and the RE refused to treat me if I was a smoker. I had to be 90 days "clean" prior to treatment. So, cold turkey I went. And I survived! I haven't had a cigarette in nearly 3 years. There have been plenty of times I've wanted to, but nope, I was either trying to get pregnant, pregnant, or nursing...all which would go directly to the no dice! And now there's no way we could afford to be smokers anymore anyway!
I DO miss the friendships I made with fellow smokers was like an instant bond...I met so many awesome people! I do NOT miss the smell couldn't get it out of your hair or clothes no matter how much lotion or other fragrance you put on.
Good for you for quitting AND staying that way!!! You rock!!

Dree Getz said...

I once was a smoker too. I started at a very young age and didn't quit until a couple years ago. I tried quitting most of my "smoking life" and I finally did it. It was my number one resolution every year.

Michelle said...

Amazing post! Luckily, I've never smoked. But, it is crazy how addictive it is, that even people who have quit for several, several years still want it. I know that you'll be done for good this time. The kids are definitely a powerful motivator. And as for the talk, your heart will tell you what to do, when it's time!

Shanan, The Book Addict said...

Wow. My mother smoked when I was young too. I totally understand what you mean about not being able to stand the smell once you have stopped smoking. When I lived with a smoker--the smell never bothered me. Once I did not live with a smoker anymore--I could not stand the smell at all.

What a wonderful post!


Always Heather said...

I could have written that blog... and I still struggle all the time.. it was unfortunately on my New Years resolution list again this year.. after I'd quit for almost two... wish me luck! :)

Amber said...

Congrats on quitting and being so honest about it!

Perspective Parenting said...

Congratulations! I personally think its fine to tell your kids, when it makes sense to tell them. My daughter, the perfectionist, is always surprised and relieved to hear that she's not the only one who has to learn from her mistakes and decisions that don't work when I give her examples of my own. We all have them and learn from them--the best part! Happy for you!

Lisa Weidknecht said...

I've been quit for over a year now, with just two sneaks. I'm proud! Congratulations on being a vB featured member!

The Pepperrific Life said...

I admire you for your strength of spirit. Not everyone is bold enough to do what you did. Congrats!

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