Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Helpful Holiday Tips from Papa Two Twin Girls

What’s cooler than a mommy blogger? How about a mommy AND daddy blogger?

Today’s guest blogger is Brad from Papa Two Twin Girls. Brad’s wife, Julia, has an amazing blog, Pontifications of a Twin Mom, which I love, so imagine my delight when Brad recently started his blog about being a father to twin toddlers. Double the blog reading pleasure! (Of course, I expect nothing less from twin parents.)

I enjoyed reading about Brad’s super-sneaky plans to surprise his wife, his “papa” lessons in fist bumping, tub draining, and door closing, and his ambivalence towards structure that sounds eerily similar to Marty.

If you’re looking for a bit of holiday humor and wit, check out Brad’s tips below. Then give yourself another gift--go visit and follow Papa Two Twin Girls!

MaMe Musings

Helpful Holiday Tips

Thanks so much MaMe for letting Papa do a little guest post.  I've not been blogging all that long, but Melissa's blog is one of the first ones I started following.  I know that sounds like a bad pick up line, but it's the truth.  I'm not sure this post is exactly what she's asking for, but I've never been one to color inside the lines, so here it is. 

Ahhh! The holiday season is upon us once again.  In case you've forgotten from last year (and the year before, and the year before, etc.), it's the time of year we all go crazy.  Everything we do is done to excess.  Here are a few things you might want to pay a little more attention to this year - some of them may even save or make you money.

Food - meals

If you need a helmet to eat it's probably too much food.

In my experience, most every family has some sort of large meal on or around Thanksgiving and Christmas (or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Festivus).  For most people, these two meals are the largest meals they will consume all year. 

As everyone knows, the best way to get your body to metabolize this gluttonous meal is to sit on the couch and nap.  Having the TV on will only make the process work that much better.  Carbs and starches magically disappear while sleeping, so if at all possible, do not attempt any form of physical exertion.

Since everyone else that comes to eat will be bringing food, don't bother making or buying anything.  Just show up and eat.  Nobody will know you didn't contribute as long as you don't mention it.  If someone asks, tell them you brought cookies and just dumped them on someone else's tray.

Before you leave, don't forget to take leftovers home with you.  Nobody gets tired of eating the same thing day after day after day.  You'll get to it at some point so don't worry about discovering it in the back of the fridge growing mold in a month.  By all means, load up and save on groceries for January.

Food - snacking

Not only do we gorge ourselves at mealtime, but we are constantly eating between meals.  Here are a few tips to keep in mind. 

1 - Chocolate aids in the digestive process of all other foods, especially those high in fat and cholesterol.  Be health conscious and load up on these. 

2 - Make sure you grab a handful (or two) of whatever salty snack is sitting out all month long every time you walk by the bowl.  Salt is good for you!  It can raise your blood pressure, which makes your heart have to work that much harder, which means your heart is getting stronger.  This additional labor can only continue as long as you feed calories into your body, so keep on cramming food into your gullet.  The only time you should stop is when you lose consciousness fall asleep.

If you find a bowl of something sitting out with no salt, don't immediately blame your host.  Nobody in their right mind buys unsalted foods at this time of year.  The simple explanation is this:  some child got hold of the snack and sucked off all the salt.  They are learning good nutritional habits at a young age, so don't chastise them.  Just grab a salt shaker and reapply.  If you've discovered the problem in time, the treat may still be moist enough to allow the new salt to stick.  Bonus!

3 - Doctors recommend drinking a lot of water, but water has no nutritional value.  Soda (aka pop, coke, soft drinks, colas, soda pops) is made from water - and has other added nutrients.  Don't waste precious cargo space on just water alone, make sure you have some additional artificially-occurring substance blended in with it.  And don't do the diet drinks; everyone knows the sweeteners used to make them cause cancer.

It still counts as one glass in my book

4 - In the spirit of combining things, make sure your soda has plenty of booze in it.  If you're not a booze person, do what you like.  Red wine is actually good for you.  If one glass is good, two has to be better.  The theory holds true - as long as you can hold your wine down.

Americans make or buy more treats during December than the other 11 months combined!  (I made that up, but it sounds good). 

Feel free to run up your credit card debt to buy as much stuff as possible.  Since housing prices always go up and mortgage rates always go down, you can always roll your credit card debt into a new mortgage and get a lower rate.  A win-win scenario! 

Once you discover all the crap you bought is no longer being used, typically within two weeks, you can start preparing for a garage sale.  No self-respecting garage sale shopper will try to haggle you down on pricing and most will pay more than face value for a semi-used toy with missing parts.  In effect, you have turned a profit on the holiday and can use those funds to buy more decorations as they should now be on sale! 

Win-win-win for team Griswold!

To quote my wife, "Looks like Christmas threw up on their house".

While we're on shopping, don't buy on-line.  Make sure you go stand in lines for hours on end to save the extra $1.47 you would have spent at an e-tailer.  Everything related to the Internet is a scam.  All those sites are doing is getting your credit card information and planning on stealing your money.  While you're at it, better cancel all credit cards, just to be safe.  Take your money out of the bank and only use cash.

Better safe than sorry.

If you're not much of a shopper, just get gift cards.  Everyone appreciates a $20 card to somewhere they'd never eat or to a regional store that doesn't exist where they live.  Nothing says "I cherish our relationship so much that I spent 12 seconds thinking about what to get you this year" quite like a prepaid Visa card.  And don't bother with wrapping it.  Any old envelope will do.  The best are reply envelopes which are typically enclosed in credit card offers.  Even though you won't be getting a credit card, you can still use the envelope and save some more cash.



You can make anything work if you try.  Visiting three different locations in one day is easy.  Not only do you get to buy gifts for three sets of people (and therefore get three sets in return to resell), you get to eat three times the amount of food and take home three times the amount of leftovers! 

Aside from family gatherings you can also plan on attending office parties, fundraisers, children's performances, get togethers with friends, and any other number of events you can either get invited to or invite yourself to.  Make sure you go to everything!  You simply cannot miss anything. 

You have the rest of the year to just hang out with your own family and enjoy them, so go ahead and sacrifice now.  You'll be thanking me for it later.

I hope this helps!  I look forward to hearing your success stories in the weeks and months to come!


Helene said...

First off, I had no idea Brad's wife was Julia...I feel like smacking myself upside the head for not putting the connection together! I've read her blog and have seen pics of her twins so I'm surprised I didn't put two and two together. Can I just blame it on "twin mommy brain syndrome"?

Great blog post, Brad! It's dripping with humor and sarcasm, which is awesome in and of itself when it comes to enjoying the holidays.

The reference to soda being made with water is something my husband tells me all the time when I nag him about drinking too much soda. The guy never drinks water...I'm not sure how he survives never drinking the stuff. But then he reminds me that soda has water in it. So that you've ditto'd his sentiments, I guess I can't argue with it anymore.

Dvr Dame said...

Funny stuff!

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

As I read this post, I was thinking what a shame we're so far through the holiday season already, and there are many of these tips that I haven't yet implemented. Too bad I didn't see this prior to Thanksgiving!

In particular, I've been working to curb my snack behavior...I didn't realize the many health benefits, that I should actually be encouraging myself - and my children! - to eat more salt AND chocolate.

I have been enlightened. Thank you, Brad. ;)

[Great post, by the way! You're setting the bar high for future guest posts, my friend!]

blueviolet said...

I just couldn't stop laughing in this. Too much fun advice!

Brad Jenkins said...

Thanks again Melissa for having me over to guest post! If you ever feel like making an appearance on my blog just let me know.

Merry Christmas!

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